Chase Bank Now Offering Cash Back on Cocaine Purchases

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Chase Bank Now Offering Cash Back on Cocaine Purchases

Good news, cocaine lovers—you can now score your blow and be financially responsible with Chase Bank’s newest credit card offer. The Chase Coke Card is the only credit card that offers 10% cashback on every cocaine purchase made. This is a substantial increase in rewards over competitors and even other Chase cards. For example, the Chase Freedom Unlimited card only offers 3% cashback on purchases made in the first year. It drops to 1.5% after that. The Chase Coke Card, on the other hand, offers addicts a sweet 10% return on every purchase, regardless of the dealer used or purchase amount.

The card’s announcement came shortly after CNN reported that a ship owned by JPMorgan Chase had been loaded with 20 tons of cocaine. Chase officials stated the cocaine didn’t belong to them, they were just holding it for a friend. They also stressed that the large corporation certainly had no plans to begin dealing cocaine or attempting to create a market where addicts paid Chase-backed dealers for blow using the new Chase card. JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon went on to say, “You don’t really think we’re THAT immoral, do you?” Reportedly Mr. Dimon and other Chase officials were present, then they proceeded to burst into laughter.

Those who are considering applying for the Chase Coke Card may be interested in learning more about the particulars of this line of credit. Users will start earning their 10% back right away, and it applies to every cocaine purchase made, regardless of how many purchases are made in a month, week, or even a day. Crack cocaine purchases are also eligible for 10% back. There is no annual fee for using the card.

The annual percentage rate or APR of the card does vary depending on the credit score and history of the user. However, Chase is currently offering 0% APR for the first 12 months. After that, the APR varies from 18% to 25%. One unique feature of the Chase Coke Card is that Chase is not allowing balance transfers from other cards. “We don’t want people buying heroin or meth and then transferring that balance to our card,” Dimon said. “Those are dangerous, addictive substances, and we don’t want to help finance such habits.”

Once users have earned their 10% cashback, they can redeem it in a number of ways. The most responsible and boring option is to redeem it for a statement credit. This option literally reduces the amount users pay for cocaine by 10%. But it’s not a very exciting thing to do. Instead, users can also redeem their cashback for actual cash via gift cards or for miles or hotel rooms at specific locations such as Motel 6.

Users can also link their card to the popular Chinese site Aliexpress to shop with their cashback. Chase has partnered with the site after a deal with Amazon fell through due to a misunderstanding. According to sources, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos stormed out of the meeting after realizing that Mr. Dimon and other Chase officials weren’t there to actually do cocaine with him.

Dealers who want to start taking the Chase Coke Card only need to sign up with a third-party card processing service such as Square or PayPal. These companies offer small card-swiping devices and chip card readers that work with most Android and iOS smartphones. Dealers simply ring up the amount and then swipe or insert the card.

“I’ve already seen my sales increase by about 25 percent,” stated cocaine dealer Big C. “I can even send invoices to my clients ahead of time, and the money goes right into my bank account. I get my money, they get cashback, we’re all happy.”

Another dealer, George, added, “Someone doesn’t pay me, I gotta break their leg. That’s work, man. You ever break someone’s leg? Gotta hold ‘em down, hit it just right. Ugh. But when they buy with their Chase card, I get my money right away. They don’t pay their credit card bill, it’s not my problem. Chase gonna have to break those legs, not me.” Chase officials have stressed that they do not, in fact, break anyone’s legs. Instead, they take non-paying cardholders to court and receive massive judgments that leave people homeless and living on the streets. But they don’t break legs.

The Chase Coke Card is available now, and Chase is urging cocaine users to sign up soon to take advantage of the introductory 0% APR for 12 months offer.

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